Fun Facts Along with Family HEALTH HISTORY

 Family Facts  AND HEALTH HISTORY  

 By: chelsie

*  Nearly every Sunday when we go to get in the car to go home me and my mom seem to get distracted talking to people on the way out and payslie almost always takes the opportunity to pick me a  yellow flower from the bushes and gives it to me and says" here mommy for you! and smiles up at me " except now a days she stares me right in the eyes because she's only 5 inches shorter then me ! yikes!! Its such a kind sweet thoughtful thing to do and I adore her for it.... she never forgets me. today she picked me two flowers and tucked them in my hair.

* It just occurred to me the other day that chace will now go to feed the animals all by himself, granted I stay put in the house and he usually doesn't LIKE to refill water buckets because it  takes too much time but either way its a lot of growth for him to be able to do that by himself independently....speaking of which he's 14 nearly 15 and he drives the golf cart around like its no big deal dropping off and picking up things by himself when we need his help, mostly trash bags. Also for about a year  now he been taking  his own showers without me in it and without being in the bathroom, more reassurance to me that Yes he can and will do big things if and   when  he feels he is ready. One more that I giggled at happened yesterday when he now doesn't like me to see him naked anymore! he now says "MOM YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEE!! being silly like but also serious too! oh and only about 9 months ago he leaves the bathroom door slightly cracked when he used the bathroom before he left the door open all the way. He's also getting better at staying in the car with his sister for very short periods of time as long as he can see inside the store somewhat, which I'm cautious to peek out a window of then while shopping.

* My mom is horrible at drinking enough water and it had been a big factor in her high blood pressure mainly caused by her Adderal medication she takes . Also she was   diagnosed w type 2 diabetes and her sugar levels are always high so we did and   experiment in where she drank A normal amount of water through the span of a few days and sure enough her sugars were totally normal. I believe her blood was too concentrated. Seemed to do the trick so that is another thing that I am acutely aware of!

* Mothers Health problems  as of age 73 years old

High blood pressure ( medication induced)

Anxiety and Depression

Hx of Polyps in colon

Hx of Diverticulitis and reoccurring  bouts  of infection

Chronic dehydration

Type 2 Diabetes ( diet controlled)

Allergic reactions to Metal in and on the body

Stigmatisms in both eyes also floaters caused by macular degenerative dis.

Chronic heartburn

*Fathers Health Problems age as of  age 78 years old

Reoccuring Gout and cartledge problems in legs mostly both knees

Hearing loss

Catarax Repared in both eyes

Squiamish Cell skin cancer 2 removed on face

Obsessive Dietary Habits (1 food @ a time)

High Blood Pressure directly caused by High anxiety/Worry/aggitation

Psoraisis

Chelsie Health problems as of age 39 years old

Depression

Chronic Dehydration

Eating Disorder NOS

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome

Hypothyroidism

Elevated Billirubenemia

Vitamin D3 deficiancy

 Chace health hx as of age 14

Contact dermatitis on hands

Keritosis on arms/chest

Swimmers ear ocasional

Dislexia

Payslie Health Hx as of age 12 

Vatamin D3 deficiancy

Hypoglycemia

Autism Charactaristics( stimming/noise sensitivity and sensory proscessing)

Anxiety/Mood disorder

Extreme re-occuring GERD

Disphagia

Skin Allergy to skin  glue and Amoxicillan

Agoraphopia ( doesnt want to leave home)

Skin/ cuticle biting ripping tearing

Dulled pain senses

Its TIME TIME TIME!

 This evening and actually for the last few months and for many years before that but not as often IT  has been on my mind, like a ticking time bomb. Me my self.. my inner self, the part of me that is NOT seen except under extreme and dire circumstances.

    In April this year 2022, I will be 40 years old which means that half of my life will have been consumed by it fairly steadily living life daily supposedly normally but ALWAYS with a caveat . The eating disorder yes, the Anorexia, and the bulimia that I have( there I said it ) the addiction that I am always hovering within one or the other,  constantly compensating for being ..well human.

   Currently a few months back I became antsy and desperate and went to see a new dr and asked to be put on another weight loss medication, he didn't even bat an eye at the thought which only reinforced the fact that yes I do need it and yes I am overweight. anyways fast forward a few months and maybe 20 pounds weight loss at best and I'm torn, torn because I have this great medication that kills my hunger but I also have a spiritual body that wants to eat even when I'm not hungry and wants to eat because it is smart and is fighting to hold onto the muscle I have and I was born with plenty. 

   As I am aging there are harsher physical consequences than before, my hair is falling out immensely it's very very scary to me, my skin is thinning, and areas, where I've lost muscle mass like my butt, has never returned to what it used to be and so the skin just hangs and sags. the fatigue from purging lasts more than a day or so, the overall looming fatigue from eating horribly or not eating at all the week before lasts way longer than id like and doesn't go away quickly,, or at all. It is depressing and yet another reminder that I've treated my physical body horribly and this is the bed I made, and laying in it stinks :(

    Its as if the last 20  years of my life I have convinced myself that I am the exception to many rules regarding the physical body and its capabilities and so much so that I have de-humanized myself, therefore it didn't bother me to comb my hair out ripping it out along the way. Or wearing clothing uncomfortably large and therefore annoying to me all day long constantly tugging pulling etc because I apparently deserve to be annoyed and uncomfortable constantly, this is the damage an ED  of 20  years has done to me. Convinced me that MY body doesn't need water that much and that the bad sugary stuff is what it really wants and needs then tie that into the fact that somewhere within me I must believe that because I have a fat overweight body I don't NEED what most people do, and my body is not deserving or worthy of "healthy nutritious things.

But I have faith, this I've always known but to have faith and to have faith in myself is a whole different matter. I don't have a good track record of being faithful in recovering from the eating disorder or very faithful in consistently eating in a healthy manner or faith in my capabilities to really  set aside time to devote to me, myself.

Payback? Karma?

  No, gone are the days when I could stop at a thrift store,yard sale or swapmeet no only the essentials hurrying up at each place to head home and "relieve " my mom from her and payslies  boredom.

It is a struggle to get payslie out of the house anymore, she will go out in the yard but only on good days and sparingly at that.

I feel so helpless to  this u❤❤nexplained anxiety she feels, I do what I can but it's NEVER enuf and I just miss our old life.. when we used to be able to go to the snow in the winter or explore abandoned houses or anywhere really with having to have someone  in the car waiting for me I can scarcely take it anymore. 

Therore I cannot help but wonder if I am being punished  for  my weaknesses? For example thru the eating  disorder ive purposely (at times)  hurt my physical body, to the point of neglect, numbness,torture and plain cruelty and maybe somehow me having to watch my own daughter pick at the skin around her toes  and fingernails untill they are raw, bleeding and scarred , and be powerless to stop her is some kind of payback and punishment. Did she pick up the habit from me? I never have done those things but did she pick up on the neglect for her own  health and wellbeing from me and  my example?

I fear time really, am I wasting chaces  precious youth years NOT going on vacations,trips to the snow, hikes,not  doing  things w family or friends because of Payslies inability  to leave the house?

Will we have enough   young healthy able bodied years left for my mom and dad to accompany me and my kids as our little family in which to go on camping trips,  Disneyland trips,  exploring  places and doing things nearby or far? 

How much time do I have until I finally give in and succumb to the ever constant feeling and pull to be thin and skinny at all costs? All I know is when things get scary,  overwhelming and to much to handle i pull it together and finish nice and strong THEN I crash, I give in I allow myself permission to be weak and sick. Then and only then   can I allow myself to relax without the weight of my family on my shoulders. 

Reverse psychological words

How does someone exude such authority and power that when u walk to close to them and accidentally brush up against them they take a shocking jump back and say excuse me!  It's the most confusing hurtful thing really..it messes with my physiological understanding of human behavior.

Emotions

Feeling Stuck ....its a feeling that is all encompasing..it is  smothering it is  a dark cloud heading you're direction,stuck is a suffocating feeling that leaves you paralyzed and blinded walking in circles getting no where. Getting nowhere is the problem in the first place,see like I said stuck!

If you stay "stuck" long enuf. Eventually eaten consumes you, you're thoughts which then  control you're behaiviors. NEGATIVE beahviors  whuch begin as a way to find "your own way" out of a mess you've  inevitability Made. The problem with this is YOU cannot find you're own way out..this is why you need a savior, yes you need a friend..someone who would find a way to refocus your dark thoughts into somthing..anything of a light nature. Oh how I long to be rid of this overwhelming darkness that creeps its way into my head and soul more often than I'd like to admit.

Mostly I feel dammed of I do and dammed if I dont..so I error on the side of dont.therefore nothing happens .
And the circle  begins again, with no hope for a end.

DISLIKE

😞

Have you known someone who absolutely  finds you annoying on almost  every level? Someone  that gives you looks that could kill? Sensed  their aura oozing with distain for you and the things you do ? And Even when you try to  ignore that someone,thier over dramatic  stares,   heavy brethes  you can feel them inside somewhere deeply even without knowing? What if that someone were a  Family member,someone close someone who's DNA you share?  

I know someone like this.

And... today  it's too much to bear.in fact each day that goes by my ability to be strong and brave diminishes  and I become weaker and weaker.succumbing to the  quick  reliable pain  relief coping mechanism  which I've created  for myslef for the last 15 years. What I suffer from isn't simply and eating disorder..it's a full blown case of self hatred self punishment and  self neglect.  It has become extremely and has become so much a part of my habits and normal daily activities  that it really requires  deep thoughthe to recognize  that they are not normal, nor are they they way my hevan ly father created my brain to think. I need to chew  on this for the nigjt..with some prayer and hope that tommorow  I will be able to bear the burden once more.

NEWBIE

I'm new to this  whole blogging thing..so for my purposes  I am using it as a way to write and vent my feelings..you know the real ones deep inside,uncensored, those  that are closet to my heart and lead me to act upon them for some relief.You'll notice I'm not a huge Grammer or punctuation user, perhaps because my brain is simply trying get to spill out theese feeling gs I've held in for so long.

Anyways read if you want and don't read if you don't want..Take me as I am.

Here goes everything.