This evening and actually for the last few months and for many years before that but not as often IT has been on my mind, like a ticking time bomb. Me my self.. my inner self, the part of me that is NOT seen except under extreme and dire circumstances.
In April this year 2022, I will be 40 years old which means that half of my life will have been consumed by it fairly steadily living life daily supposedly normally but ALWAYS with a caveat . The eating disorder yes, the Anorexia, and the bulimia that I have( there I said it ) the addiction that I am always hovering within one or the other, constantly compensating for being ..well human.
Currently a few months back I became antsy and desperate and went to see a new dr and asked to be put on another weight loss medication, he didn't even bat an eye at the thought which only reinforced the fact that yes I do need it and yes I am overweight. anyways fast forward a few months and maybe 20 pounds weight loss at best and I'm torn, torn because I have this great medication that kills my hunger but I also have a spiritual body that wants to eat even when I'm not hungry and wants to eat because it is smart and is fighting to hold onto the muscle I have and I was born with plenty.
As I am aging there are harsher physical consequences than before, my hair is falling out immensely it's very very scary to me, my skin is thinning, and areas, where I've lost muscle mass like my butt, has never returned to what it used to be and so the skin just hangs and sags. the fatigue from purging lasts more than a day or so, the overall looming fatigue from eating horribly or not eating at all the week before lasts way longer than id like and doesn't go away quickly,, or at all. It is depressing and yet another reminder that I've treated my physical body horribly and this is the bed I made, and laying in it stinks :(
Its as if the last 20 years of my life I have convinced myself that I am the exception to many rules regarding the physical body and its capabilities and so much so that I have de-humanized myself, therefore it didn't bother me to comb my hair out ripping it out along the way. Or wearing clothing uncomfortably large and therefore annoying to me all day long constantly tugging pulling etc because I apparently deserve to be annoyed and uncomfortable constantly, this is the damage an ED of 20 years has done to me. Convinced me that MY body doesn't need water that much and that the bad sugary stuff is what it really wants and needs then tie that into the fact that somewhere within me I must believe that because I have a fat overweight body I don't NEED what most people do, and my body is not deserving or worthy of "healthy nutritious things.
But I have faith, this I've always known but to have faith and to have faith in myself is a whole different matter. I don't have a good track record of being faithful in recovering from the eating disorder or very faithful in consistently eating in a healthy manner or faith in my capabilities to really set aside time to devote to me, myself.
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