Payback? Karma?

  No, gone are the days when I could stop at a thrift store,yard sale or swapmeet no only the essentials hurrying up at each place to head home and "relieve " my mom from her and payslies  boredom.

It is a struggle to get payslie out of the house anymore, she will go out in the yard but only on good days and sparingly at that.

I feel so helpless to  this u❤❤nexplained anxiety she feels, I do what I can but it's NEVER enuf and I just miss our old life.. when we used to be able to go to the snow in the winter or explore abandoned houses or anywhere really with having to have someone  in the car waiting for me I can scarcely take it anymore. 

Therore I cannot help but wonder if I am being punished  for  my weaknesses? For example thru the eating  disorder ive purposely (at times)  hurt my physical body, to the point of neglect, numbness,torture and plain cruelty and maybe somehow me having to watch my own daughter pick at the skin around her toes  and fingernails untill they are raw, bleeding and scarred , and be powerless to stop her is some kind of payback and punishment. Did she pick up the habit from me? I never have done those things but did she pick up on the neglect for her own  health and wellbeing from me and  my example?

I fear time really, am I wasting chaces  precious youth years NOT going on vacations,trips to the snow, hikes,not  doing  things w family or friends because of Payslies inability  to leave the house?

Will we have enough   young healthy able bodied years left for my mom and dad to accompany me and my kids as our little family in which to go on camping trips,  Disneyland trips,  exploring  places and doing things nearby or far? 

How much time do I have until I finally give in and succumb to the ever constant feeling and pull to be thin and skinny at all costs? All I know is when things get scary,  overwhelming and to much to handle i pull it together and finish nice and strong THEN I crash, I give in I allow myself permission to be weak and sick. Then and only then   can I allow myself to relax without the weight of my family on my shoulders.